I find myself to be very competitive… with surprise since in my recap previously I had remembered how many sports and activities my parents had me left behind any time the first discomfort from my side started, so firstly I thought to be grown up as a loser. But now I realized that my father had a clear strategy to don’t have me loose my energy in vain in sports or activities in which I had no chance to be the winner, or which where not aligned with what he found fit or necessary for the career he had decided for me… where of course I had to be nothing less than the best, in a very competitive way.
This pattern I often repeated: trying to be invisible when and where I think not to emerge, and instead impose myself where “I” want to, using any means: my stand, the tone of my voice, my physical position, my personal power, my wealth, the people I know, and so on.
Listening my feeling lately I found out that the more I am uncertain about my performance and/or my capacities the more I use competition ways to conquer my place (and most likely I’ll loose the competition since I am not at all a predator)
… then what else is competition if not to use the intoxicating one-sided taste of the struggle to silence the butterflies in the stomach, the fear not to be fit?
The more I have fears the more I am competitive. The more I am self confident the more I don’t care so much, laugh from the heart, and rely on the Universe, on my destiny, on a superior power.
Here in Mexico, in the art scene and in the “spiritual” scene, like David Elliott pointed out in his blog, the atmosphere is very competitive. One is compelled to “perform”.
I declare my right not to accept competition, without feeling a loser. I claim my time to retreat in my heart, breath, ground and meditate to prepare myself for what I really feel: what the Spirit, and not the spiritual and artistic consumerisms, will ask me to do.
Ah Ho
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